Trust issues? Blame your parents
(This is a one take, unedited, not proof read addition)
So you think you have trust issues? How about commitment? Security?
And what about intimacy and your general sense of safety within yourself?
In most cases in one form of another we have all suffered feeling vulnerable to the above and not in a sense that will bring self growth, which in a lot of instances being vulnerable is actually a positive thing to posses and promotes that growth.
Child psychology studies have shown that children already through the ages of 7,8,9 have developed their personalities.
Meaning the core values or ingredients that make up a person are already formed by such a young and early age of 9.
“Oh shit!” I hear some of you think, “we’re all fucked” - well this may and may not be true.
From the day we are born we are impressionable, the unconscious little body that is a baby and then into child state takes in their surrounds. Good and bad, this is no surprise!
But the relationships or lack there of, really can be pin pointed to one thing.
Our parents! The obvious is because of the inherent personality and traits we have taken on within our blood and DNA. But there’s something more powerful and even more critical beyond our blood within our veins.
And that is the circle of relationships and feelings we built through those so sponge like young years.
As said before a human is made up of a few very key things that produces their disposition and personality. The basics of survival beyond the food, water, shelter are trust, security and intimacy.
We could argue that although seperate, we couldn’t really have one without the other. Being that to trust we must have security and to be intimate we must have both trust and security.
Very true, however they are so important as stand along characteristics.
So back to your parents, the people that put you on this earth and whether you found yourself still part of their physical lives with them here with you or not, those people
around you growing up have essentially shaped you.
They have injected parts of themselves into you, the good and the terrible.
Whether you are aware of it or not, as humans we wander around all day everyday projecting our sense of self onto others. Some of us are vocal about it (and sometimes those are the most ingenue projections) but mostly we are projecting in our actions and in our emotions.
Small gestures might seem as just that but deep down they are chemistry being pushed into our DNA/being/Aura/ whatever the heck you want to refer to as self/psyche.
There’s a great saying that goes “ If you live in a mental asylum you will go insane” and there’s nothing more true. Because you are surrounding yourself with the insane, taking on their projections, their dramas, their feelings and mess.
When really it is you who is quite sane but you’ve lost your sense of true identity through environment.
This is why it is so imperative we really do surround ourselves with SOUND and decent people and environments. We find ourselves all at different stages in our life making what feel like negative decisions and choice to be in situations that may in turn be hurting us.
The hardest are the ones that we are truly oblivious to on the the conscious level but perhaps are feeling at an emotional level/physical pain level but find ourselves pushing the truths aside because we thing the current situation is what our heart wants and or needs.
A typical example of this is having a toxic relationship with a friend, lover or family member.
We keep withstanding the torture because we are so convinced we need that sense of security that comes from connection to this person or in some cases objects. Because it’s all we know or have been conditioned to learn.
It’s is much easier on the outside to see the toxicity to a situation or relationship because we are not within it, being dragged in and pulled into the mess of the drama and emotions.
This is why you will see many people essentially killing themselves and sense of self, grinding them down into what could be a mental and then physical sickness because of this sense of attachment.
And this is the hardest situation to ever pull yourself out from, like any addiction. It’s chasing a feeling, a high, of love, of physical, of connection, of security, of peace and joy.
But it’s when we draw and need to obtain this from other sense other than SELF that we find ourselves completely in this vulnerable state that is dangerous and volatile.
One last wrong move and we are completely over the edge into a spiral of demonising actions and self destruction.
We do not want to feel the pains of betrayal and destruction yet we essentially have created it by allowing it.
And it’s easy for me to draw these conclusions now because I am in a place where I have good solid and positive sense of self. But it’s when you are within this darkness that hearing these very above words would only do us more harm and send us further into this spiral of darkness and hurt/sickness.
So how does this all fit in with out parents again?
Well essentially they shaped us from that moment we opened our eyes.
Their absence or the presence has completely consumed and influenced us.
We can discuss and digress about how society as a whole; schooling, social circles, media etc
has later on in life influenced us because yes this is very very true in so many cases.
However, the development of our sense of self and who we REALLY are goes back to our parents.
Because for better or worse, conscious or not, they have been responsible for offering our basic human personality ingredients to grow, in trust, intimacy etc.
If these basic things were ever inconsistent, or not met they will have followed you through into adulthood.
A prime example of the problems with intimacy, perhaps in a romantic sense.
We have the girl who forever is seeking validation from partners, you know the one who goes from one relationship to the next, or on the flip from no relationship to the next.
Able to be physical but never truly establish that connection that is REAL intimacy, trust and security.
This does not mean that she is completely not acting as her, because parts of that beautiful self always find their way out to shine, because we as humans are resilient.
However she will have forever been identifying with her childhood and associations with those personality traits and take them on as her own forever traits.
Back to the “you are who you surround yourself with” it’s true. Because while everyone is living we will be projecting self onto and into others.
This is where the hope lives, in a place where you can recognise where you have been shaped from, good or bad.
And realise that as a amazing resilient human that you are, you have the ability to feel good, feel loved, be positive and regain those very important pillars of self.
But first you may have travelled a rocky and dark road. You will have gone through those moments wondering if there is light, if you could ever possible recover, if you could ever see out of the pit.
We all have our shit but we all have the power to get through it.
How? Well if I knew the one single answer I probably wouldn’t have been compelled to write something about a topic like this.
But in reference to our close relationships that are toxic, it’s about boundaries and a sense of stillness, being able to realise that you are not the crazy one, you are not the messy, toxic one.
That you have been carrying around your parents projections through your life.
And latter, those in society have been projecting onto you.
But now is the time to assess and find yourself. For even with our pillars of personality laid, with our trust issues, with our commitment issues and our inability to be truly open and cleanly vulnerable we have the ability to find positivity and our own self.
Take some times to find stillness, assess what is around you, look at what brings you joy.
Do the obvious and find more of that, if you have lost your sense of joy completely as you are so depressed, think about what used to make you happy and start there.
Because doing SOMETHING is better than doing nothing. Otherwise we are left alone in our thoughts, which can be the most healing but also the most damaging.
We are our own enemy, we create our own dramas and that’s the amazing thing only we can save ourselves from ourselves.
So you think you hate your parents? And that’s very sad because many people do but remember they did give birth to you and put you into this wild world. And as you become more in touch with your sense of self and your importance in this world you will find that those negatives that ate you up as a child or older had allowed you to gain and understanding into how human nature works.
Shown you how to have empathy in a situation some people could never imagine.
There’s no discredit to anyone’s life dramas, we all have pain, we all have struggle it’s about
how tangible and real the threat to our own self is.
Hating anything can only bring you great negativity and health within the body and mind, so start working on boundaries and how you can manage these relationships, the further stillness you find within self the easier it will be to just have your human shield and let their bullshit breeze right by you, like the wind or “water off a ducks back”.
Your parents may not have been bad people at all, they may have provided generously in one way or another, emotionally, physically etc or in many cases the opposite.
But in most cases they have been caught in the trap of losing their true self and again taking on the dramas of that around them, which has spiralled onto you.
You’ve truly started to think that you are the insane one, you are the one with the problems when in fact it is those around you.
How can you start to find this stillness for sense of self?
Meditate, it’s an obvious one that seems almost like a cop out. But spending that 10 minutes a day with that app, friend, class or random situation is going to slow your mind down.
Because over thinking is a disease.
Give yourself the chance to find yourself, your real personality and who you are underneath all of your upbringing and social conditioning from projection.
Maybe your meditation comes in a physical sense, from sport and moving or from art and creativity - this is better than nothing but I urge for physical stillness and breathing to take place.
It will change your life and help you listen to yourself, it will help you
stop creating your toxic environments and allowing self hurt around you.
It may have started with your parents and then changed into society but you STILL hold the most powerful keys to yourself.
Be kind to yourself, stop being so hard and critical.
Treat YOU how YOU treat others as well as the other way around.
Because within yourself is the only place you have to live.